The Sum Total of Me

My comment on Dooce's Post for today...

2009-09-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

This post made me feel "yuck" and so sad inside. It's as if we're all in these different clicks, much like high school. We have the luv dooce click, the hate dooce click, the those who have click, the those who have nothing click, her family is ugly click and on and on and on...

But why? Is it fear, jealousy, insecurity or just stress from this messed up world we live in! I don't claim to know, but can we just all get over ourselves for a second. I know that when I read your post about Leta's first day, your words inspired me to "want" to be a better mom (or just a better person). And any blog, book, tweet, quote, song, video that gives me that feeling is so worth my time.

And if the blogger, author, twitter singer can afford $24 mascara, GOOD FOR THEM. That doesn't make me less of a person or angry, it makes me happy that someone has found something they enjoy, why wouldn't we want the best for someone else...sounds corny, but that's just love and love is a universal instinct!

Dooce gives it to me through her words, my daughter gives it to me through her humor, my husband gives it to me with his crazy quirks...and I hope that at some point, that those that are so angry...will find someone to give it to them. We all live under the same sky, and when it's all said and done...Patrick Swayze's character in GHOST is right, all we can take with us is the love...

Peace...

Hello!

2009-09-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

It has been so long, I feel like I am in a foreign land. Blogging again? Maybe...

Today,

2008-10-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

I had to sit through a two hour staff meeting, and my lower body became numb. Not the best feeling in the world.

I took a break from crying about being so far away from the family, during tough times. Is it possible to die just from pure sadness? Life can take some weird turns and you just have to wonder to yourself, "What just happened...?"

I got a warm feeling, when my dad said *goodnight* over the phone.

I wondered why must teachers be FORCED to dress up for Halloween. It's just not fair.

I loved having lunch with my son, daughter and husband...for 30 minutes we were a family again!

Sweet dreams, jelly bean!

My Buddy...

2008-10-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

My sister enjoyed my blogging, only because she could take a peek into my life without getting into my face; so to honor her *Birthday* that I missed this year (I know, I'm a bad sister) I thought I would give her a little peek again. You will always be my buddy, you know that right!?

Only Love,

~TW

What Can I Say, He's A Family Guy...

2008-10-13T06:55:00.000-07:00

People that I love dearly need some cheering up right now, so I searched the archives and found this picture from Halloween of 2007. If you've never seen the show Family Guy-I don't blame you one bit! However, the husband and the kid were gawked at like celebrities, a smash hit I tell you.

Smile sissie, I love you.

When Tragedy Strikes...

2008-10-12T23:53:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how it brings family together? I ache something awful to be with all of them right now, but circumstances beyond my control make it difficult for me to be there. My love and thoughts are with you all.

~Me

2007-11-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

I miss you...I can't stop crying because I miss you so much. Holidays are tough, tears are fresh, you broke my heart by leaving. I love you so very much, I can't wait for my feet to touch Louisiana soil. Louisiana will always be where my mom IS. ;) I found this poem and it helps:

Loss of Mother Poem

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

POPCORN

2007-10-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

The husband cheats and melts extra butter to pour on top, and you have hot buttered cinnamon popcorn. I didn't realize how many people take their popcorn so seriously. ; ) Me included!

TW

I Love...

2007-10-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

...Beautiful Sunday mornings.
...Watching movies that my honey goes to rent for me.
...Take care of yourself days a.k.a. wellness day.
...Hot showers.
...Ice cold water or juice.
...His soft hands on my back.
...The smell of hot buttered, cinnamon popcorn.
...My son's very short haircut, cutie.
...My daughters funny notes left around the house for us.
...Having the house to myself.
...Early morning soccer games with the cold wind blowing.
...Starbucks coffee brought to early soccer game by husband.
...Naps on a weekend afternoon.

~TW

Some Good Things...

2007-10-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

I made an "A" on my oral presentation in speech class. yay! Apparently, even though I was a nervous wreck, they liked my energy, I'll take that.

I washed my hair yesterday...what you don't care?? It's a big thing for someone who's battling the blues. heehee I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Also, I started another blog to help me deal with some stuff, so don't be confused and think I started a new one...I just have two of them now. If you want, you can be directed there by clicking my profile. Later, jelly beans.

TW

Dear Blog & Blogger Friends,

2007-10-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm having a mini-breakdown. I've fallen into this black hole, it's really nothing major. I've come to accept the depression for what it is, but sometimes it takes a good bite out of my ass, and I just can't get moving. I don't remember the last time I hit the shower in the past few days, it has all been a blur.

It's usually due to a combination of things, a fight with my teenager, school stress, and that damn football! I just can't listen to it without crying about missing my birth mother, just typing that sentence made me cry--SEE?? It's going to be a tough first year without her. We didn't have one of those hallmark mother/daughter relationships, but that's not what I miss, nor would I change anything about us. I just miss an "ordinary conversation" with her. A conversation where she does most of the talking, and I'm left thinking, why did I even bother to call...but you're just happy you did. That's what I miss.

Also, my "machine gun" mouth is getting in the way of parenting, and I'm just not very proud of myself at the moment. But it's one of those things where you pray and hope that the child will grow up and find a damn good therapist. ; ) I know, I'm starting to come out of it, because beFrank and Jennifer's comment made me smile. It's the little things in life, right? Baby steps...that's what I'm taking right now, and I'm sure things will come around, they always do.

I miss you, jelly beans!

TW

Note to TW's True Love...You're an amazing man, and I am very lucky to have you.

She Is...

2007-09-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

~Kind

~Thoughtful

~Intelligent

~Funny

~Beautiful

~Spiritual

~Wonderful

~Loving

~Trustworthy

~Graceful

She's my sister and a true lady...Happy Birthday, I love you!

Sis/TW

I Just Don't Remember...

2007-09-25T15:32:00.002-07:00

I hate it when I hide things, so that my 10 year old doesn't touch it...AND THEN I can't remember the specific hiding place. Oh where--is that printer paper?!? Note to self, calm down and breathe and never hide anything again; adult homework is stressful enough. The End.

~TW

Reason #2 on why I THINK I love him...

2007-09-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

We were settled in for the night. I'm reading a book in bed (or I should say TRYING to read a book), and he's watching TV. The volume is so ( ( ( high ) ) ) on the set that the entire state knows that he's watching Law & Order!

"Honey, can you turn it DOWN please?"

He looks at me with that boyish smile..."Can't you just read louder?"

He continues to amuse me people, even after 16 years of marriage. Reading louder was even better than earlier in the evening when he said, "Honey I miss us."

"You mean you miss having sex?"

"Yeah."

Like I said...I think I love him.

~TW

Whatever...

2007-09-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

My husband decided he would help me with the dishes today. In the sink we had a very SMALL amount of DIRTY dishes--in the dishwasher we had a set of CLEAN dishes. I am not quite sure about the logic he was using, but instead of emptying the dishwasher of the clean dishes and loading it again; he decided it was better to leave the clean dishes in the dishwasher. He then proceeded to wash the few dirty dishes we had, and put them away wet. Yes, I said wet. It was almost comical to watch him clean the silverware, rinse it and drop it in the drawer WET. I was rendered speechless, which is tough to do. After he left the kitchen, I went back and dried the wet dishes he just put away, and I emptied the dishwasher. WHATEVER!!!

I think I love him.

TW

The Power of the Father...

2007-09-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

I loved, loved, loved this movie for three reasons:

-Madison Pettis where have you been all my life. What a sweet piece of talent.

-It reminded me SOOO MUCH of our vow renewal in Las Vegas last summer.

-The Rock. I support my culture whenever I can, and damn he's beautiful.

Favorite lines:

~Believe in the power of the Father.
~Fathers pick you up and dust you off.
~You're freakishly large...

Happy Weekend~

Elvis has left the building. ; )

One More Day by Diamond Rio - The Last Time

2007-09-11T09:01:00.001-07:00

For the families of 9/11...it's always harder on the living, I think. Peace.

~TW

UNWRITTEN - NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

2007-09-10T07:29:00.001-07:00

I started school last week and the fear still creeps up on me sometimes, but I refuse to give in to those fears. So after the kids have been dropped off, I always come home take a shower and blast this song on my computer. It's my "cheerleading" for the day to myself...so today, it's for me and Tara. Happy Monday, jelly beans!

~TW

Tears in my Sleep...

2007-09-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with my face all sticky and wet. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was crying in my sleep. I was missing you. In my dream, I remember thinking that I just wanted to talk to you. In the dream, my siblings were all gathered around the famous *kitchen table* that was the center of so many family gatherings and family turmoil. I look straight into the eyes of a cousin and say, "I miss mom." After I run off to your room, jump on your side of the bed and try to focus on a picture that looks like the old you that I remember...and I cry and cry.

What puzzles me when I wake up, is why do I tell the cousin. You see, he was from my adopted family, so you didn't even know him; and then a light bulb goes off in my head. He was the one that drove us to your brother's funeral, where I met you for the very first time. It was your typical Pacific Islander funeral, people from everywhere, aunties and uncles you've never met...and if you're lucky, you might even see your birth mother that you've never met or seen since her cousin took you in and raised you as her own.

I was lucky. I saw you for the first time ever...I talked to you and I hugged you and it was the very first time you said...I love you. People ask me all the time how I knew it was you, easy I would say...you looked at me like a mother looks at her newborn for the very first time, only I was 11 years old and she was 39, it was a meeting that was a long time coming, and I remember that I was so happy that our meeting that was cut short all those years ago...finally happened and my heart was never the same again.

~TW

CIGA-WEED...

2007-09-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this show. Why? Because it makes me LAUGH, and I do mean laugh out loud! Which is really ironic, because all the people in my real life know, that I just had the year from hell due to this substance and a teenager. So I watch it at night or when he's not home, because I don't want a relapse...he's been clean for 4 months now! yay! He is also doing really well in a drug program for teens.

Anyway, back to the show. I love watching *Mary Louise Parker* in character with her youngest son on the show and with her housekeeper. One of my favorite lines is when she tells him:

"I am very fond of you."

The song in the beginning is hysterical, and it doesn't help that it reminds me of my current place of residence. eek! Happy weekend, jelly beans.

16 Years ago Today...

2007-09-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

I married my Latin Lover! ~_^ It was fun...I ran around Napa Valley drunk on wine and love.

"Each moment is a place you've never been." -- Mark Strand

Thank you for taking me to places I've never been before...I love you. Here's to 16 more!!!! Happy Anniversary, baby!

~TW

Indian Summer...

2007-08-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

Lately, it has been hotter than hell in my neck of the woods. So yesterday we're driving to soccer practice, and my 10 year old daughter is just "not feeling" the heat--and she said, "I hate Indian heat."

Me, "WHAT did YOU SAY?"

"Mom, you know the hot INDIAN SUMMER."

"Ohhhhh..."

Should I tell her now that Indian Summer hasn't even arrived yet? ~_^

Happy weekend, jelly beans!

~TW

I Have a Half Smile on Today...

2007-08-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

Little Willow starts school today! Yay! One down and one more to go. Happy Monday, jelly beans!

~TW

Dear Blog,

2007-08-22T15:10:00.002-07:00

I feel bad that you've been neglected, but life just seems to get in the way sometimes. You know the drill, busy running around getting the kids for "back to school" mode...sinus infection from hell...no time for myself (but I will make time)...worried about returning to school for myself, I start the week after the kids...and just so many, many, many changes.

But the good news is...I miss you, and exactly six days from now we will both be "saved by the bell"; that wonderful school bell, which means more time for us to develop our blogger relationship. Damn those kids, he wanted them NOT ME. heehee! I love you, hubby. I'm so trying with housewife thing, but I totally suck at it. Patience, remember patience is a virtue.

I hope all is well in the blogger world, jelly beans!

~TW

I Love a Beautiful Blue Sky!

2007-08-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

I took this picture from my hotel room window last weekend. The nice thing about getting a camera for your birthday, is that you tend to stop and take in life at the present moment, and if you're lucky, snap a piece of it--just for the pleasure of it.

Where I live, you can almost bet that you will wake up to this beautiful weather, and it's a true blessing from nature...thank you for that!

Happy Sunday, jelly beans!

~TW

Dear Mom,

2007-08-09T21:39:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've come to miss you like something awful. I am very careful not to put you up on a pedestal, just because you've gone to heaven. Those closest to us knew that our mother/daughter relationship was so stormy at times, that it could rival Hurricane Katrina! Some of our conversations so heated, it left nothing but destruction in our paths and caused havoc on the emotional front. And like so many did during that awful hurricane, all we could do is wait it out.

Yet, I can't ignore the soft side I had and still have for you. It's come alive through your grand daughter. She recently returned from spending a week in Louisiana. She spent the night at your house, ate dad's wonderful banana pancakes and fell in love with her aunts all over again.

While she was there, dad let her go through some of your jewels--you know the beloved *suitcase*. And she picked some lovely things, but what strikes me most is how tender she is with your jewelry. Fussing at me if I wear it while I'm eating messy seafood, like boiled shrimp or crawfish. The other day, I forgot to take this lovely ring off before swimming, and she almost took my head off. You see, in her young mind that ring symbolizes, YOU, her genie in a bottle that made all her wishes come through. Did you read that in the note she slipped inside your coffin? I know, isn't she amazing.

Also, being that one daughter that couldn't exactly appreciate the bread machine that you gave me for Christmas, and damn my little sister for telling you that I traded it in for a VCR. heehee In that same way, I couldn't really appreciate your love for gold, white gold or a good piece of jade when you were alive, you always sensed this too! But guess what? I do now Mom. I realized that you loved it, like I love beautiful stationary or pretty boxes or a nice blog design and I just smile. It makes me miss you though, because I don't look at jewelry the same anymore.

I long to hear your voice, see your smile, hear you say "I love you" on the phone, what I would give to hear you call me "baby" or "devil" again...I loved you voice when you were being your authentic self, even if it was rare. And I know you're smiling from heaven, because I love the necklace that dad picked out for me and sent home with Little Willow. It's beautiful Mom, and I promise to wear it someday in honor of you.

Do they have jewelry stores in heaven??

Infinite X's & O's

~TW

Having it His Way...

2007-08-06T13:25:00.001-07:00

The husband asked me over the weekend, if he could get me drunk and have his way with me? I said, SURE WHY NOT. I was in a generous mood, and alcohol is always a good start. heehee

Of course, checking me into an adorable boutique hotel, and telling me to RELAX can definitely get him his way...wink.

Wait--you remembered that I love Keith Urban, score! Besides, his way is always better. Thanks for a fun weekend, babe!

~TW

Little Willow is Home = Fun Tags

2007-08-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

SWIMMING sunshine love JAMBALAYA iPod ice cream Diver Dudes goggles BANANA BOAT louisiana giggles HUGS strawberries and cream SUPER STRING airport silent ball water basketball MOVIES The Contract BLOCKBUSTER smiles sweet dreams XOXO family

Shut Down For Today...

2007-08-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

True Willow is taking off for today, to spend time with the husband and the son. Smile, it's almost Friday.

~TW

Happy Birthday to My Someone Special...

2007-08-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I heard this "old song" on the TV show 7th Heaven, while watching it with LW one morning. I thought it would be perfect for her special day; considering what a change she has made in my heart...she replaced all the broken parts.

Is it wrong that I love Ronnie Milsap? I've been a fan since 8th grade.

Smiles for you all day long!

Only Love,

~TW

What a difference you've made in my life.
What a difference you've made in my life
You're my sunshine day and night
Oh, what a difference you've made in my life.

What a change you have made in my heart
What a change you have made in my heart
You replaced all the broken parts
Oh, what a change you have made in my heart.

Love to me was just a word in a song that had been way overused
But now I've joined in the singin'
'Cause you've shown me love's true meanin'
That's why I want to spread the news.

What a difference you've made in my life
What a difference you've made in my life
You're my sunshine day and night
Oh, what a difference you've made in my life.

Scary Night = Feeling Good for Mom

2007-07-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

little willow a few years back at grandpa's house.
So my daughter called and told me about spending the night at grandpa's house, which involved watching a scary movie with her cousin. Apparently, it was so scary that she stayed up until 3:00 in the morning.

Daughter: I would close my eyes and they would POP right open, because I was so scared. So you know what I did?

Me: What?

Daughter: I closed my eyes and imagined that I was on our couch at home in the living room, with you walking by in your gray muscle shirt and pink and white pajama shorts, and you see me and say...hi baby! On your way to the kitchen to get more diet coke.

We both laughed, and the sound of her voice made me feel warm inside. As I'm writing this Post, I realize that the scene she described happens almost daily, and how I don't even think about it when it's happening; yet, it has made enough of an impression on her to help her relax.

It sure feels good as a mom, to be a part of that image she had conjured up in her pretty little head to find dream land!

Come home soon, my sweet girl!

~TW

New Formula to Live By...

2007-07-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

PAIN + DENIAL -> SUFFERING

BUT...

PAIN + ACCEPTANCE -> HEALING

~TW

Sunday Mornings...

2007-07-29T21:27:00.001-07:00

The husband loves his new iphone and ilove him. Look at him, he's just so damn content. It's now Sunday night, and he's in the same position again (I swear he is), just different clothes. He has his headphones on and he's giggling like a kid...one of my favorite sounds in life.

~TW

If Only I Had Three Thumbs!

2007-07-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

I loved this movie! I caught the last showing yesterday with one of my girlfriends, and it's a "must see" flick for the Summer!

I really enjoyed Catherine Zeta-Jones performance, few woman in this world look damn beautiful when they cry--and she's one of them! I didn't realize that food or fine dining could be such a sensual experience...and the behind the scenes happening in the kitchen, you get a good sense of the creative process that transforms the chef and their recipes.

My favorite line came from her therapist in the movie, "It's the recipes you create yourself that are the best."

Happy weekend, jelly beans! With the daughter away, I'm off to spend some quality time with number one son.

~TW

Flying Solo...

2007-07-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we both stressed over and celebrated another milestone in our "parenting" career. We watched as little willow took that walk through gate 28 onto a huge jet. Her destination, a week long vacation with her favorite aunts and grandpa in Louisiana. This would be her first experience flying solo, and the husband and I were stressing just a wee bit...wink!

She is definitely daddy's little girl...so it was a little harder on him; I on the other hand, have tremendous faith in my sisters and maybe it's a "sister thing", but I trust them with even the most precious treasure in my life, my daughter.

I was a little sad, because the last time my daughter made this journey--she was attending her grandma's funeral. So I knew this trip was going to be bitter sweet for her, as grandma is no longer there. I know that this trip will bring that final closure for her. So I wasn't surprised when the phone rang this morning and our conversation went something like this:

Daughter: Mom?

Me: Hi, baby!

Daughter: Guess what I did today?? (Her voice filled with love)

Me: What?

Daughter: I went to see Grandma.

Me: You did? Well, how was it?

Daughter: Good...I went with grandpa to change the water and put fresh flowers on her grave, AND they moved her.

Me: Yes, I know, grandpa had her plot moved so that he wouldn't have to use a ladder, just to talk to her.

Suddenly, the conversation took a lighter turn, and she was ready to get off the phone. She had more important things to do than talk to me, like using the bathroom and getting ready to go to the mall. And I knew grandma must have been smiling from heaven.

Have a great time, my sweet girl. Going back to your roots, and learning about the heart of your family is something that I am incredibly lucky that I can give you, because there's no greater gift than family.

Happy Friday, jelly beans!

~TW

Happy, Happy Birthday to My Little Willow...

2007-07-25T08:11:00.001-07:00

When I hear this song, I always think of YOU, sweet girl. You're one of the *sweetest* blessings in mommy's life. I love you.

~TW

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

by Martina McBride ©

You're the Man...

2007-07-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to the coolest guy on earth--my husband! I was thinking earlier, that my husband and I grew up just a few miles of each other when we were young kids, but of course, we didn't know each other then. So I often wonder, did we ever cross paths in a store, did we ever sit at the same red light in cars next to each other, was he ever at the flea market the same day I was, OR was he ever at the county fair or our favorite amusement park, maybe riding on the same ride?

It makes me giggle to think that all those years ago, my best friend was living his life just a few streets away. I know for sure if I had spotted a cute little boy with dark eyes, beautiful smile and licking away at a "mint chocolate chip" ice cream cone at our local Baskin Robbins...I would of stopped in my tracks and said, "Mom! that's him, the guy I'm going to marry someday.") I'm so lucky!

Happy Birthday to True Willow's True Love. We will party like rock starts tonight...wink!

~the wife

I Feel Blessed...

2007-07-23T19:48:00.001-07:00

I felt blessed for all the super kind comments, Michele has the best blog roll ever. I have a soft spot for being understood by complete strangers and especially when they're serving up a huge helping of *kindness*; and to the jelly beans that visit often, you know I love YOU.

The husband hired a babysitter, rented a beautiful red convertible and we drove off into the sunset! The weather here was absolutely beautiful. It was one of those "a table for two please" days. I also got a camera from my true love, and so it was fun to take pictures of different places and things. We also squeezed in dinner and a movie.

I thought about my mom so much through the day, but it was in a very peaceful way. I counted all my blessings, especially the handsome man sitting across from me all day. Thank you for a wonderful day, baby!

Last but not least, my missD a.k.a. ~someone special~ moved to *grandma* status, on my birthday. Congratulations! Wishing you and yours only love!

~TW

It's My Birthday (And I Can See The Door)...

2007-07-21T04:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was involved in a three hour discussion on forgiveness, and for me it's not the easiest thing in the world to process. However, after watching Forgive for Good, I quickly realized much of what I was hearing in the video, resonated with my life experiences. I was stunned by this revelation, yet so moved by it that I could no longer ignore the fact that: Forgiveness is not something that has come easy from my heart. Things I thought I had forgiven were actually still there with me in that room called...HURT. But the real kicker for me people, was when I realized that I am the one "maintaining" that room.

Dr. Frederick Luskin uses the analogy of a person locked in a room, trying to get out. Only after this person has run into the wall 15 times, does he finally begin to look for the door. Why run into the wall 15 times, you might ask? Well, for me personally, it's much easier to maintain the hurt from others by running into the wall, than to find the door and open it to all that it entails. Because dammit! I want a "better" past. I want the hurt surrounding my adoption all those year ago to not have happened...I want my mom to have loved me in the way I needed...I want the child abuse to not have happened...and I want someone to give me back my childhood with my siblings in it.

But thanks to Dr. Luskin, I think that I might have finally learned that ~true forgiveness~ is giving up all hopes of having a better past; that no matter how much I want it, or how much I try to squeeze it from somewhere, it's simply not going to happen. What happened to me was NOT OK, but it's something that can't be undone. And the only thing hurting me now, is not the hurtful things that were done to me as a child, but instead, it's my present thoughts and feelings about those past hurts, that is holding me back from opening that door.

So this year, my gift to myself is to open that door, and to tell you mom...that it hurt like hell that you left us, it hurt so much more after I found you, only to realize that hole you left couldn't be filled and with every hurtful word and physical attack from you, the hole only seemed to get deeper, but you know what mom? I made it! I survived and I'm still standing. I now have the ability to love and be loved in the way that I deserve. I love my children with abandon, my sisters with all my heart and I accept love too! I don't think I could have made it without missD's love, and people like her urging me on to see the blessings that surround me in life. I accept love every morning when I wake up next to a husband that adores me, and most of all, I love myself enough to walk away from that room filled to the ceiling with hurt.

I'm posting this picture of you, and in this photograph you're the same age I was when I started to have kids. I'm trying to put myself into your shoes back then, and realize that you were a young woman too with kids, trying to make your way. I realize now that when I got "lost" from the picture, it wasn't personal. It was all a matter of timing and your ability to cope as a young mother. Plus, how could I not forgive, you're holding two of my best friends in the whole world--my sisters. Oh! and I like what you're wearing...I could see myself wearing that.

It's the first birthday I will celebrate without you being here, as you're in heaven now, because you died in May. So I hope you can feel that kiss of forgiveness coming from my heart to yours. I'll leave the door open for you...

I love you, mom, thanks for giving me life 39 years ago exactly!

Love,

Your Devil~ heehee (private joke) in therapy they call people like me the "truth tellers" not devils...I'm just saying, that's all! I can see you rolling those pretty eyes at me from heaven...wink!

Becoming My Favorite Phrase...

2007-07-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

~It is--what it is!~

Where Did The Day Go?

2007-07-19T00:35:00.000-07:00

It's now a little after midnight and I can't believe it... where does the time go? Before I head off to bed, I wanted to post something, so here's a picture for you. One of the things that has happened to me while popping in and out of the blogger world, IS THAT I became a GREAT AUNT. OHMYWORD! Yes, True Willow feels very old. However, she is so beautiful, it's worth feeling old over her remarkable entry into this world. Her looks are so reminiscent of *little willow* as a baby, that she stole my heart through this photograph. Also in the photo, is my beautiful and very sweet sister, *magnolia*, she's 14 months younger than me... and still has it going on! hee hee Sweet dreams, jelly bean!

~TW

Bathroom Stall=Emotional Cleansing

2007-07-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

Today, I cried in a bathroom stall. I forgot how that feels. You know the scene, where the world's waiting for you, and you're in a stall crying and at the same time you're telling yourself--stop it and pull it together! As you dab at your eyes with cheap toilet paper, you pray that it's saturated with a secret potion to plug up those annoying tears. Then finally... you blow your nose, and walk out with your shield on and your head held up high, and with one thought in your mind, I am now ready to face the world! Hope you're having a good day, jelly bean.

~TW

Just so you know, I don't think I've cried in a bathroom stall since high school, and that was what... two, maybe three years ago. hee hee

My First Inner Circle of Jelly Beans a.k.a. My First Love...

2007-07-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

When I first started blogging, I had this wonderful blog called *The Sum Total of Me*, and it was dedicated to someone that has made a huge difference in my life. It was written with so much love, and the people I met through that first blog were just amazing. They had become like a second family to me. However, I was holding a dirty little secret--sometimes my blogging was a threat to people in my "real life" and so one day, I got so angry, that I deleted my blog. Since then, every blog I've tried to create was like one of those boyfriends you end up with on the rebound, just not a good situation to be in. May I just say, that deleting that blog ranks right up there with the regret of not finishing college, or the regrets I have with choices I've made day to day as a parent, daughter, sister, wife and friend.

I've tried writing blogger and even offered money to recover all those writings that came straight from my heart but have not been successful. I still check on all those wonderful people I met three years ago. The circle of life just continues when I visit their blogs, and it's like seeing an old friend I've missed desperately. Some of those friends have lost siblings, marriages have ended, new loves have been found, parental figures have died, job changes have taken place, kids have gone off to college, children have taken their first step or entered the world of elementary school, some have become wonderful photographers, giving me an even deeper glimpse into their soul--and with all this, I realize it's LIFE in the making and it's those human experiences that have moved me personally and sometimes made me laugh or cry that I MISS SO MUCH.

Here's to you: Kate, befrank, gemmak, leeza, jenny, littlemissdrinkalot, tara, terry, mia goddess... and all the others that were my first love, including my miss D. I'm going to jump in again... and for those just joining, I found this in a google search. It's an old review from the Web Log, which sums up perfectly what I hope this "continued version" of the original blog will be:

"The Sum Total of Me opens with a generic blogger template. While it is not a fantastic template, the template works very well for this blog. Something that few templates can do. This isn't known until about halfway through all the posts, so please don't let that get to you.

The Sum Total of Me is about True Willow. It wasn't until the last post I read (the first post of the blog) that I fully understood the title of this site. TW says Like an irritable child I asked her why, and I will never forget what she said, �Because we are the sum total of everything we have been through in life.� She goes on to dedicate this site to the person who told her this quote and the first post was very moving for me.

The blog is just what it says; the total of the author. The posts range from childhood memories to current events happening within TW's life. She talks about her children, her friends, and her family. She is a teacher, and her words are well chosen. I was amazed at how quickly I was drawn into this site.

This site is hard to review without just pulling quotes from the site. I read each post and genuinely felt emotion with each. Sometimes I laughed, sometimes I almost cried which is a first for me as a reviewer, and sometimes I was scared for her, just as she was when telling a story. This site reads like a great movie with flashbacks in key points to give us that much more character development. To say that this is a story is kind of misleading, as each piece makes up a different part of the puzzle. I enjoyed my time here, and look forward to spending more here."

This site was reviewed on 2004-11-20 by Brent.
They felt this site belonged in the Personal category.
Brent felt that The Sum Total Of Me deserved a rating of 4.

Later Jelly Bean!

~TW

Pictures From the Vault...

2007-07-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

When I look at this picture, I can remember all the highlights from that day; but what I remember most, is how much I loved my mom and sisters. ; )
True Willow 13 years old. eek!