Scary Night = Feeling Good for Mom

little willow a few years back at grandpa's house.
So my daughter called and told me about spending the night at grandpa's house, which involved watching a scary movie with her cousin. Apparently, it was so scary that she stayed up until 3:00 in the morning.

Daughter: I would close my eyes and they would POP right open, because I was so scared. So you know what I did?

Me: What?

Daughter: I closed my eyes and imagined that I was on our couch at home in the living room, with you walking by in your gray muscle shirt and pink and white pajama shorts, and you see me and say...hi baby! On your way to the kitchen to get more diet coke.

We both laughed, and the sound of her voice made me feel warm inside. As I'm writing this Post, I realize that the scene she described happens almost daily, and how I don't even think about it when it's happening; yet, it has made enough of an impression on her to help her relax.

It sure feels good as a mom, to be a part of that image she had conjured up in her pretty little head to find dream land!

Come home soon, my sweet girl!

~TW

New Formula to Live By...

PAIN + DENIAL -> SUFFERING

BUT...

PAIN + ACCEPTANCE -> HEALING

~TW

Sunday Mornings...

The husband loves his new iphone and ilove him. Look at him, he's just so damn content. It's now Sunday night, and he's in the same position again (I swear he is), just different clothes. He has his headphones on and he's giggling like a kid...one of my favorite sounds in life.

~TW

If Only I Had Three Thumbs!

I loved this movie! I caught the last showing yesterday with one of my girlfriends, and it's a "must see" flick for the Summer!

I really enjoyed Catherine Zeta-Jones performance, few woman in this world look damn beautiful when they cry--and she's one of them! I didn't realize that food or fine dining could be such a sensual experience...and the behind the scenes happening in the kitchen, you get a good sense of the creative process that transforms the chef and their recipes.

My favorite line came from her therapist in the movie, "It's the recipes you create yourself that are the best."

Happy weekend, jelly beans! With the daughter away, I'm off to spend some quality time with number one son.

~TW

Flying Solo...

Yesterday, we both stressed over and celebrated another milestone in our "parenting" career. We watched as little willow took that walk through gate 28 onto a huge jet. Her destination, a week long vacation with her favorite aunts and grandpa in Louisiana. This would be her first experience flying solo, and the husband and I were stressing just a wee bit...wink!

She is definitely daddy's little girl...so it was a little harder on him; I on the other hand, have tremendous faith in my sisters and maybe it's a "sister thing", but I trust them with even the most precious treasure in my life, my daughter.

I was a little sad, because the last time my daughter made this journey--she was attending her grandma's funeral. So I knew this trip was going to be bitter sweet for her, as grandma is no longer there. I know that this trip will bring that final closure for her. So I wasn't surprised when the phone rang this morning and our conversation went something like this:

Daughter: Mom?

Me: Hi, baby!

Daughter: Guess what I did today?? (Her voice filled with love)

Me: What?

Daughter: I went to see Grandma.

Me: You did? Well, how was it?

Daughter: Good...I went with grandpa to change the water and put fresh flowers on her grave, AND they moved her.

Me: Yes, I know, grandpa had her plot moved so that he wouldn't have to use a ladder, just to talk to her.

Suddenly, the conversation took a lighter turn, and she was ready to get off the phone. She had more important things to do than talk to me, like using the bathroom and getting ready to go to the mall. And I knew grandma must have been smiling from heaven.

Have a great time, my sweet girl. Going back to your roots, and learning about the heart of your family is something that I am incredibly lucky that I can give you, because there's no greater gift than family.

Happy Friday, jelly beans!

~TW

Happy, Happy Birthday to My Little Willow...

When I hear this song, I always think of YOU, sweet girl. You're one of the *sweetest* blessings in mommy's life. I love you.

~TW

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

by Martina McBride ©

You're the Man...

Happy Birthday to the coolest guy on earth--my husband! I was thinking earlier, that my husband and I grew up just a few miles of each other when we were young kids, but of course, we didn't know each other then. So I often wonder, did we ever cross paths in a store, did we ever sit at the same red light in cars next to each other, was he ever at the flea market the same day I was, OR was he ever at the county fair or our favorite amusement park, maybe riding on the same ride?

It makes me giggle to think that all those years ago, my best friend was living his life just a few streets away. I know for sure if I had spotted a cute little boy with dark eyes, beautiful smile and licking away at a "mint chocolate chip" ice cream cone at our local Baskin Robbins...I would of stopped in my tracks and said, "Mom! that's him, the guy I'm going to marry someday.") I'm so lucky!

Happy Birthday to True Willow's True Love. We will party like rock starts tonight...wink!

~the wife

I Feel Blessed...

I felt blessed for all the super kind comments, Michele has the best blog roll ever. I have a soft spot for being understood by complete strangers and especially when they're serving up a huge helping of *kindness*; and to the jelly beans that visit often, you know I love YOU.

The husband hired a babysitter, rented a beautiful red convertible and we drove off into the sunset! The weather here was absolutely beautiful. It was one of those "a table for two please" days. I also got a camera from my true love, and so it was fun to take pictures of different places and things. We also squeezed in dinner and a movie.

I thought about my mom so much through the day, but it was in a very peaceful way. I counted all my blessings, especially the handsome man sitting across from me all day. Thank you for a wonderful day, baby!

Last but not least, my missD a.k.a. ~someone special~ moved to *grandma* status, on my birthday. Congratulations! Wishing you and yours only love!

~TW

It's My Birthday (And I Can See The Door)...

Yesterday, I was involved in a three hour discussion on forgiveness, and for me it's not the easiest thing in the world to process. However, after watching Forgive for Good, I quickly realized much of what I was hearing in the video, resonated with my life experiences. I was stunned by this revelation, yet so moved by it that I could no longer ignore the fact that: Forgiveness is not something that has come easy from my heart. Things I thought I had forgiven were actually still there with me in that room called...HURT. But the real kicker for me people, was when I realized that I am the one "maintaining" that room.

Dr. Frederick Luskin uses the analogy of a person locked in a room, trying to get out. Only after this person has run into the wall 15 times, does he finally begin to look for the door. Why run into the wall 15 times, you might ask? Well, for me personally, it's much easier to maintain the hurt from others by running into the wall, than to find the door and open it to all that it entails. Because dammit! I want a "better" past. I want the hurt surrounding my adoption all those year ago to not have happened...I want my mom to have loved me in the way I needed...I want the child abuse to not have happened...and I want someone to give me back my childhood with my siblings in it.

But thanks to Dr. Luskin, I think that I might have finally learned that ~true forgiveness~ is giving up all hopes of having a better past; that no matter how much I want it, or how much I try to squeeze it from somewhere, it's simply not going to happen. What happened to me was NOT OK, but it's something that can't be undone. And the only thing hurting me now, is not the hurtful things that were done to me as a child, but instead, it's my present thoughts and feelings about those past hurts, that is holding me back from opening that door.

So this year, my gift to myself is to open that door, and to tell you mom...that it hurt like hell that you left us, it hurt so much more after I found you, only to realize that hole you left couldn't be filled and with every hurtful word and physical attack from you, the hole only seemed to get deeper, but you know what mom? I made it! I survived and I'm still standing. I now have the ability to love and be loved in the way that I deserve. I love my children with abandon, my sisters with all my heart and I accept love too! I don't think I could have made it without missD's love, and people like her urging me on to see the blessings that surround me in life. I accept love every morning when I wake up next to a husband that adores me, and most of all, I love myself enough to walk away from that room filled to the ceiling with hurt.

I'm posting this picture of you, and in this photograph you're the same age I was when I started to have kids. I'm trying to put myself into your shoes back then, and realize that you were a young woman too with kids, trying to make your way. I realize now that when I got "lost" from the picture, it wasn't personal. It was all a matter of timing and your ability to cope as a young mother. Plus, how could I not forgive, you're holding two of my best friends in the whole world--my sisters. Oh! and I like what you're wearing...I could see myself wearing that.

It's the first birthday I will celebrate without you being here, as you're in heaven now, because you died in May. So I hope you can feel that kiss of forgiveness coming from my heart to yours. I'll leave the door open for you...

I love you, mom, thanks for giving me life 39 years ago exactly!

Love,

Your Devil~ heehee (private joke) in therapy they call people like me the "truth tellers" not devils...I'm just saying, that's all! I can see you rolling those pretty eyes at me from heaven...wink!

Becoming My Favorite Phrase...

~It is--what it is!~

Where Did The Day Go?

It's now a little after midnight and I can't believe it... where does the time go? Before I head off to bed, I wanted to post something, so here's a picture for you. One of the things that has happened to me while popping in and out of the blogger world, IS THAT I became a GREAT AUNT. OHMYWORD! Yes, True Willow feels very old. However, she is so beautiful, it's worth feeling old over her remarkable entry into this world. Her looks are so reminiscent of *little willow* as a baby, that she stole my heart through this photograph. Also in the photo, is my beautiful and very sweet sister, *magnolia*, she's 14 months younger than me... and still has it going on! hee hee Sweet dreams, jelly bean!

~TW

Bathroom Stall=Emotional Cleansing

Today, I cried in a bathroom stall. I forgot how that feels. You know the scene, where the world's waiting for you, and you're in a stall crying and at the same time you're telling yourself--stop it and pull it together! As you dab at your eyes with cheap toilet paper, you pray that it's saturated with a secret potion to plug up those annoying tears. Then finally... you blow your nose, and walk out with your shield on and your head held up high, and with one thought in your mind, I am now ready to face the world! Hope you're having a good day, jelly bean.

~TW

Just so you know, I don't think I've cried in a bathroom stall since high school, and that was what... two, maybe three years ago. hee hee

My First Inner Circle of Jelly Beans a.k.a. My First Love...

When I first started blogging, I had this wonderful blog called *The Sum Total of Me*, and it was dedicated to someone that has made a huge difference in my life. It was written with so much love, and the people I met through that first blog were just amazing. They had become like a second family to me. However, I was holding a dirty little secret--sometimes my blogging was a threat to people in my "real life" and so one day, I got so angry, that I deleted my blog. Since then, every blog I've tried to create was like one of those boyfriends you end up with on the rebound, just not a good situation to be in. May I just say, that deleting that blog ranks right up there with the regret of not finishing college, or the regrets I have with choices I've made day to day as a parent, daughter, sister, wife and friend.

I've tried writing blogger and even offered money to recover all those writings that came straight from my heart but have not been successful. I still check on all those wonderful people I met three years ago. The circle of life just continues when I visit their blogs, and it's like seeing an old friend I've missed desperately. Some of those friends have lost siblings, marriages have ended, new loves have been found, parental figures have died, job changes have taken place, kids have gone off to college, children have taken their first step or entered the world of elementary school, some have become wonderful photographers, giving me an even deeper glimpse into their soul--and with all this, I realize it's LIFE in the making and it's those human experiences that have moved me personally and sometimes made me laugh or cry that I MISS SO MUCH.

Here's to you: Kate, befrank, gemmak, leeza, jenny, littlemissdrinkalot, tara, terry, mia goddess... and all the others that were my first love, including my miss D. I'm going to jump in again... and for those just joining, I found this in a google search. It's an old review from the Web Log, which sums up perfectly what I hope this "continued version" of the original blog will be:

"The Sum Total of Me opens with a generic blogger template. While it is not a fantastic template, the template works very well for this blog. Something that few templates can do. This isn't known until about halfway through all the posts, so please don't let that get to you.

The Sum Total of Me is about True Willow. It wasn't until the last post I read (the first post of the blog) that I fully understood the title of this site. TW says Like an irritable child I asked her why, and I will never forget what she said, �Because we are the sum total of everything we have been through in life.� She goes on to dedicate this site to the person who told her this quote and the first post was very moving for me.

The blog is just what it says; the total of the author. The posts range from childhood memories to current events happening within TW's life. She talks about her children, her friends, and her family. She is a teacher, and her words are well chosen. I was amazed at how quickly I was drawn into this site.

This site is hard to review without just pulling quotes from the site. I read each post and genuinely felt emotion with each. Sometimes I laughed, sometimes I almost cried which is a first for me as a reviewer, and sometimes I was scared for her, just as she was when telling a story. This site reads like a great movie with flashbacks in key points to give us that much more character development. To say that this is a story is kind of misleading, as each piece makes up a different part of the puzzle. I enjoyed my time here, and look forward to spending more here."

This site was reviewed on 2004-11-20 by Brent.
They felt this site belonged in the Personal category.
Brent felt that The Sum Total Of Me deserved a rating of 4.


Later Jelly Bean!

~TW

Pictures From the Vault...

When I look at this picture, I can remember all the highlights from that day; but what I remember most, is how much I loved my mom and sisters. ; )
True Willow 13 years old. eek!