It's My Birthday (And I Can See The Door)...

Yesterday, I was involved in a three hour discussion on forgiveness, and for me it's not the easiest thing in the world to process. However, after watching Forgive for Good, I quickly realized much of what I was hearing in the video, resonated with my life experiences. I was stunned by this revelation, yet so moved by it that I could no longer ignore the fact that: Forgiveness is not something that has come easy from my heart. Things I thought I had forgiven were actually still there with me in that room called...HURT. But the real kicker for me people, was when I realized that I am the one "maintaining" that room.

Dr. Frederick Luskin uses the analogy of a person locked in a room, trying to get out. Only after this person has run into the wall 15 times, does he finally begin to look for the door. Why run into the wall 15 times, you might ask? Well, for me personally, it's much easier to maintain the hurt from others by running into the wall, than to find the door and open it to all that it entails. Because dammit! I want a "better" past. I want the hurt surrounding my adoption all those year ago to not have happened...I want my mom to have loved me in the way I needed...I want the child abuse to not have happened...and I want someone to give me back my childhood with my siblings in it.

But thanks to Dr. Luskin, I think that I might have finally learned that ~true forgiveness~ is giving up all hopes of having a better past; that no matter how much I want it, or how much I try to squeeze it from somewhere, it's simply not going to happen. What happened to me was NOT OK, but it's something that can't be undone. And the only thing hurting me now, is not the hurtful things that were done to me as a child, but instead, it's my present thoughts and feelings about those past hurts, that is holding me back from opening that door.

So this year, my gift to myself is to open that door, and to tell you mom...that it hurt like hell that you left us, it hurt so much more after I found you, only to realize that hole you left couldn't be filled and with every hurtful word and physical attack from you, the hole only seemed to get deeper, but you know what mom? I made it! I survived and I'm still standing. I now have the ability to love and be loved in the way that I deserve. I love my children with abandon, my sisters with all my heart and I accept love too! I don't think I could have made it without missD's love, and people like her urging me on to see the blessings that surround me in life. I accept love every morning when I wake up next to a husband that adores me, and most of all, I love myself enough to walk away from that room filled to the ceiling with hurt.

I'm posting this picture of you, and in this photograph you're the same age I was when I started to have kids. I'm trying to put myself into your shoes back then, and realize that you were a young woman too with kids, trying to make your way. I realize now that when I got "lost" from the picture, it wasn't personal. It was all a matter of timing and your ability to cope as a young mother. Plus, how could I not forgive, you're holding two of my best friends in the whole world--my sisters. Oh! and I like what you're wearing...I could see myself wearing that.

It's the first birthday I will celebrate without you being here, as you're in heaven now, because you died in May. So I hope you can feel that kiss of forgiveness coming from my heart to yours. I'll leave the door open for you...

I love you, mom, thanks for giving me life 39 years ago exactly!

Love,

Your Devil~ heehee (private joke) in therapy they call people like me the "truth tellers" not devils...I'm just saying, that's all! I can see you rolling those pretty eyes at me from heaven...wink!